until recently, I always thought growing pains was a disease that affected only one man in the universe, that man being the magnificent but tragically contagious kirk cameron. in the sitcom of a lifetime, cameron heroically portrayed a whimsical child that dealt with the daunting process of aging in his younger years, but what cameron didn’t realize at the time of signing with this role was that these growing pains would follow him for the rest of his life, with or without his companion, aka dad, alan thicke. although growing pains took an eternal rest from television fame in 1992, the pains continue to take their toll on cameron to this day in the form of an ever-evolving forehead. poor cameron’s helpless cranium keeps rocketing skyward like an extra from the movie coneheads, and to no avail, it is still growing painfully.
i used to look at this situation from a safe distance, thinking to myself that it only occurred to the rarest of hollywood prodigies, but alas, in my naivety, it has begun its own death march in my life. as i step up to the final standoff of me versus the cal poly bachelors program, i realize that i too am subject to the disposal of aging like sweet kirk cameron is. i can never more walk across this campus and get excited at the sight of a lucy’s juice bar, for i have drank too many in my past five years. nor can i walk into the kennedy library with anticipation of riding the elevator up and down the floors for 15 minutes straight, like many bright eyed and bushy tailed freshman may be able to do, for i know how many people have copulated in these transport devices. you see, my trusty kcpr volunteer essay reader, i have long passed the threshold of young unadulterated college excitement here at cal poly. so as i march towards the football field at the far westerly corner of campus for graduation, i beg of you, let me feel the young winds behind my sails again, let me know what it is like to ride the kcpr schooner across the fountain of youth. for you see dear reader, i, much like kirk cameron, now know what these growing pains are, and in the final days of my collegiate career, i need to bury these pains of the adult world before they bury me, blue collar and all.
